Chronically Something

Okay, so Provigil, like a weekish later.

not-that-kind-of-chronic:

It literally does ONE thing right. 
It keeps me awake. That’s cool and stuff, I guess. 

My heart was explosive the first few days, now it’s down to a dull roar.
I feel a little like the layer underneath my skin is vibrating very softly. Enough to feel funny, but not actually shake. 

Problem: Unlike adderall, this is not a spoon providing medication. I can take provigil, have a 178 heart rate and STILL not have any motivation to even get out of bed to take a piss. 

SO, that brings us to today. I took a provigil this morning and now I’m about to take a VERY small amount of adderal, 5mg, to see if maybe I can both be awake AND function, even at a minimal level, without my heart physically exploding. 

As far as I understand from my cardiologist, my heart feels fucking awful, but is “technically” okay from an ” are you dying” standpoint.

If I don’t post tomorrow, you can safely assume my heart exploded all dramatic like a True Blood Vampire. Demand they write ” told you I was sick” on my tombstone ( haha, who am I kidding, I can’t afford a tombstone lol)  

That gif is made of 1000000 types of win. I do hope you manage to post tomorrow. This is very similar to my experience with Provigil. I hope the adderall helps some and/or you can wean back to your regular regime without dying (though I’ll happily craft you a tombstone out of an empty tombstone pizza box and some popsicle sticks. Ya know,  for back up purposes if you want) 

I tried provigil a few months ago after my doc was concerned about addiction and thought maybe the adderall was causing the fainting episodes I was having (though I was told a week earlier it was likely POTS).

Well I was on it for 2 weeks and a few days and this is a pretty quality description of how I felt on it.  It did nada for me, as far as promoting functional awake time. It kept my eyes open but did nothing for fog (except maybe worsen it) and it gave me heart rate fluctuations like WHOA. Since prior to the change I was told I likely have POTS that was concerning to me. Also made me wonder why the hell my doc was going this route. It also gave me a wicked stomach ache and nausea constantly. Basically trying to do anything would lead to breaking a sweat, dropping BP, increasing heart rate, and all those fun things I already felt shitty with but without that hour or so of sorta functioning. 

I hated it and left a message for my doc saying I was going to switch back. no call back indicated to me that It wasn’t a big tragedy to do so. I waited a few days and went back on the adderall. Not surprising that I had a bad reaction, seems my MO when it comes to new meds (Especially new meds that require a gazillion prior authorizations and lots of harassment of my insurance company and doc to actually get filled).  I felt a bit bad that after a month of working to get the prescription approved I was quickly saying “HELL TO THE NO!”. Clearly provigil sucked enough that my guilt didn’t even get me to stay on it longer. 

It also put me a bit on edge with my doc. All the addiction talk and need to take me off one of the few meds that I feel actually does something slightly positive for me, the frustration he seemed to show with my side effects etc, made me a little more afraid to talk to him about my symptoms. I like my doc, really. I know that much of this is past experience paranoia.. or what I like to call Chronic Illness Doctor PTSD. Still, its my reaction. Maybe its why I’ve been waiting to see him despite my increasing symptoms.. maybe its why, despite a new and severe hip pain and some pretty interesting streaks in my vision  i’ve been ‘hoping it’ll pass’ for 5 weeks. Then again, while my  MS-aversary is july 1st, I’m in the midst of the “weeks of being blind and thinking it was a cat allergy” anniversary. Guess I have a habit of hoping things will pass. 

15 June 2013 ·

• Tags
• Provigil
• spoonie
• chronic illness
• Multiple sclerosis
• fibro
• POTS
• adderall
• fatigue
• fail meds
• Doctor PTSD

Every morning

heyatleastitsnotcancer:

Chronic Illness problems:

You have to give yourself a pep talk to get out of bed in the morning.

(via bendybutnotbroken)

31 March 2013 ·

• Tags
• chronic illness
• every morning
• Fatigue
• ms
• fibro
• pots
• sucktastic