Chronicles of Life with Multiple Sclerosis
I feel like I’ve been letting things get to me too much. I know i’ve said this before but I’ve been feeling a lot like Sisyphus in life and emotionally. Health-wise I’m still in a funk. I see my neuro for a new MRI and my JC virus test results on the 14th so right now I’m just trying to deal with the daily symptom stuff. Had plenty of bad days but no new symptoms since the muscle pain and numbness. Thats a good thing I guess. Its, as I know you all understand, is the permeant sound track to the “trying to get my life back/ moving forward again” movie. hah. I am waiting for SSI’s response and looking for jobs of any sort (though getting out for more than a few hours is tough much less doing things that aren’t doc appointments) and trying to sell things that I don’t need, so I can get by. Not the end of the world but so much has felt in limbo since this all began and it just seems to be remaining in that “waiting” place.
Yesterday, I get this letter from the IRS saying I messed up my 2009 taxes and owe them ~2000 dollars. heh. Having been in a bad mental space all week this was not the best thing that could have come to me. So? I had a melt down. 3 hours crying till 3 am. blubbering about every ache and pain and bad memory, all the potential outcomes of my financial situation, etc etc. I feel ridiculous and like these melt downs are coming more and more these days.
Every time I feel like I’m gonna BE HAPPY DAMNIT! it ends in disaster a few days later heh. This makes me angry at myself and embarrassed and feeling like the whiniest person in the world, like a weakling. I want to move on with my life, I want to think about things that aren’t related to chronic illness and financial failure. I want to think positively about my future and not focus so much on what I’m never going to accomplish on that “bucket list” I wrote for myself 20 years ago. There are days I say, I know I’ll get there, and then there are weeks like this one when I think I never will.
I want to thank everyone that writes about their experiences, that reads and responds and reblogs etc. You all see the worst of me here. This blog is where I lay all my illness related woes out as an offering to the internet gods. I’m grateful that the internet gods send all your strength and experiences in response. I read all of your posts. So many strong people out there that inspire me every day. So many people reminding me to stay positive. I want to be that strong too.
I know it won’t be like this forever. I know that regardless of everything else I will wake up on the couch (or maybe even have made it to my bed!), have food to eat, tv I can watch, a computer to write with, medicine to take, and the best tortoise in the world. At least for now. So how do I stop worrying about the other things and focus on that?