Chronicles of Life with Multiple Sclerosis
I really need to get my shit together. Yes, a lot has been going on. Yes, I need to be kind to myself. But sometimes you have one of those moments where you stop and look at yourself as though you’re watching a movie, or looking through a window, and realize that you’re really letting things get away from you. I had one of those today. I’ve been letting bad habits get out of control, I’ve been letting myself get depressed and overwhelmed, I’ve been feeling the physical and emotional aches more than i’ve been trying to overcome them. I do not believe in the whole “pull yourself up from the bootstraps” philosophy. I know better than to pretend its ever that easy. I also know, however, that too much time without trying to take control back and trying to motivate myself is like sticking one foot in the undertow and then sitting down and taking a rest. just not good. This is part blog part pep talk. The truth is I’m exhausted in every sense of the word and I know thats how I got here. All the struggling with paper work for SSI and an incident with my healthcare that I’ll talk about later because it was horribly scary and infuriating, over-drafting all my accounts and searching for things I can sell or jobs I can do that won’t leave me unable to move for weeks, finally getting food stamps, and just generally dealing with being in my early 30s and not accomplishing half of what I expected I would and worked the entirety of my life for academically or personally. We all struggle with the expectations of others and those we’ve placed on ourselves. Getting older can be rough in that sense, and being alone in the process is exceptionally difficult. I’ve always felt, however, in my better days, that there is a balance between feeling these things, letting yourself feel them, mourn some things etc, and falling into the cycle of self destructive behavior. I dunno what my point is. The increasing symptoms are rough and all the psychological effects of the aforementioned things compound that. I guess I’m just thinking this moment has pointed out to me that I may be letting myself fall into self comfort instead of proactivity… if that makes any sense. Today I saw that happening and I’m hoping it will kick me into gear.. getting back to some sort of fight, productivity, something. Get back into some sort of balance between dealing with the physical and emotional realities and forcing myself to do things despite them all on a more regular basis.
The funny thing is, as I was writing this, I got exceptionally tired and almost couldn’t finish (you can probably tell by the way this goes from semi coherent to wtf is that chic saying??). I’m not sure I actually did finish or that an ending is appropriate for a word vomit of this sort. Anyway, this might all be a pile of BS and tomorrow I’ll wake up lack any of the mental motivation I am talking about above. But, until then…I think I can I think I can..