Chronicles of Life with Multiple Sclerosis
One of the most frustrating things about MS for me has been the memory problems.
It is the strangest thing in the world to forget things you know, but only temporarily. For about three days (maybe longer?) I couldn’t remember the name of one of my former coworkers. We’d gone out to coffee together less than a week ago. I could picture every detail of his face, his voice, the things we talked about. I’ve known him for three years but I couldn’t remember his name. After days of struggling to recall on my own, I was about to go on Facebook to look his name up when suddenly I remembered it. Now I keep repeating it to myself over and over, paranoid I’ll forget again.
Sometimes I forget how to type. I am a computer professional so it’s kind of important. But once in a while I lose all the muscle memory associated with typing. I forget where all the letters are and just spew nonsense garbage if I’m at a keyboard.
I can’t seem to settle today, I have been flitting from one thing to another and I really don’t know exactly what I have been doing to get me from 7:30 to 11:00. I can see little to show for my time and little memory of what I have been doing. This isn’t unusual, just annoying. I sleep for around 12 hrs out of every 24, my time is limited and I like to be able to say I have achieved something each day. I really think my concentration has deteriorated since I am no longer working, I miss the structure, the process of moving through the normal daily list of things that had to be done followed by a mix of adhoc and personal projects. Job hunting just doesn’t replace it. Yes I can set a side a few hours each day to search the web, read the completely wrong suggestions sent by all the web job sites I have signed up to, yet no matter how hard I try to hold to those tasks, I find myself skipping of to something totally unconnected.
Sometimes flitting about is interesting I have found myself Googling something, then heading of into some site that actually isn’t about the search I did, it’s amazing what you can find out about things you had not interest in. I have always said my brain was full of useless information, it now appears that life is full of it as well.
On the serious side I have burnt so many meals I that I have lost count. I now have a rule that if I start cooking, I am not allowed to sit down, perch yes, sit no. Should I allow comfort to interrupt it wipes out my previous actions, pulling me into a TV show or whatever is on my PC screen. MS leaves your brain in a sort of fuzz at time where logic and memory slowly fade into the fog. On really bad days I have found myself stopping all physical action, then waiting, hoping that what ever I was doing will makes itself know again. If I try to remember it just gets worse, the medical term is cognitive dysfunction, call it what you want, it drives me mad. It’s no wonder there seems to be a path wearing itself into my carpet from my PC to the kitchen, it seems to be the room I land up in when I have no idea what I am doing, there is always something to do in there that I can use as my excuse for wondering around, unfortunately that does include food, can you buy padlocks for fridges?
lately I’ve found myself standing in a room and staring for 10 minutes trying to figure out what I was trying to do, or what I need to do this week.. then I give up. Sit, have a thought, repeat. ugh.
I completely spaced having to mail a box tomorrow, so now it’s 3.22 AM and I’m down at the shop packing up a box. FML. Apparently memory loss is also a cool fun new thing I have to deal with.