I can barely keep my eyes open. I must admit depression is slowly creeping up on me today. I was late to work by 30 minutes, again. I am just so tired. I sometimes think to myself, “Why am I putting myself through this? I don’t care for my job.” I made more money when I was 16, but I can’t make too much money in order to keep my health insurance. It’s pathetic. Actually it’s making me feel downright pathetic. I am 32 years old for God’s sake! I went to college. I had big goals. Bigger dreams.
My boss knew from the beginning that I have M.S. and would probably miss work quite bit due to Dr.’s appointments. He was fine with that. Besides he was not paying me much. I was doing him a favor and vice versa. Today he came up to me to inform me that I have been missing too much work, too inconsistent etc. I was fighting back tears the whole time. How pathetic could I be not to keep a pathetic job? Well I started work in December and I have been fighting colds, the flu, a horrific relapse, major fatigue, nausea, and starting medications that interacted with each other thanks to my incompetent Dr.’s.
Trust me I desperately need the money. I don’t like missing work. I might be one of the few people who enjoy getting out of the house to go to a job that pays nothing. I really try my best. Today was so difficult. I felt so miserable when I woke up. I had the worst pounding headache that felt like I had a hangover but I didn’t. I was nauseous again. I was sore from head to toe. My body always feels like I have been working out for hours, and I have not.
As hard as it can be to love someone- it has to be harder to love a sick person. I feel like every movie I have seen latley just highlights how tough it is to care for someone who has medical trouble
I see that enough. I can honestly say one of the worst parts about having MS is seeig how it effects my loved ones. I know it’s not my fault, and that it’s something I have no control over, but it still kills me that I’m hurting them, or that I worry them.
Iv always wanted my own family that I could love and care for to no end, but would I really be doing the right thing? Or is that a selfish dream? How can I give 100% if I don’t feel 100%? And what if my MS progresses and i get worse? If I lose my mobility, or even my ability to take care of myself? Then I’m just being a burden on my family. You can’t hurt your loved ones if you don’t have any.
As I’ve alluded to in a previous post, I work a lot. So maybe you think I’m one of those rare people with such mild MS that it doesn’t really affect my life at all. Wrong. It does, and I have to choose.
I keep getting this vague kind of feeling that something isn’t right, but I can’t put my finger on it, and I don’t want to do another bounce hospitals for three months thing. my kids have dealt with enough they just need their mother home with them..I coudn’t get to the doctor today, because I…
A Chat About Lupus With a Friend..... (Warning RANT)
Hey Sonya how you doing??
(Friend looks at my walking cane and frowns....)
I see not so well....
Yeah....Lupus is beating me up pretty badly....
(He scratches his head in confusion)
I don't understand...my sister in law has it and she's fine. She gets a little achy here
and there but that's about it.
My Aunt has it and she just started an aerobics class the other day. She's doing fantastic!
Sonya **starts playing with a random strand of hair**
I just don't understand what's WRONG WITH YOU?
Sonya **Walks away**
So because the members of your family have Lupus and are fucking fantastic, does that mean I'm supposed to be?
No two people with Lupus will EVER be the freaking same! Hell I can't even look at other people doing aerobics without me falling to the ground. I'm sorry but I don't know why your sister in law is just "fine". I don't know why your Aunt is able to start an aerobics class.
Maybe she tells you she's just "fine" like the millions of other chronically ill people out there because most of us know you REALLY don't want to know what's going on. You really don't want to know the excruciating day to day details of what its like to live with Lupus or any other chronic illness.
No you just can't wrap your mind around that. You just pop an Advil and a fifteen minute nap and you're fine! Your answer to everything is eat right and exercise and Lupus should never kill you.
Hey maybe you've got a point there! **Throws prednisone and Plaquenil out the window**
Got inflammation fellow lupies? Just eat a healthy salad! What the hell...add some croutons for extra flavor!
Lupus nephritis getting you down in the dumps? Try yoga! Those kidneys haven't been stretched in years I bet!
Pleurisy has you working hard to catch your breath? Take your best gal pals out and have a spa day!
Maybe I'm going over board but I did label this a rant. But that really burned my cookies this afternoon....